grubby macmacintosh's Blog
grubby macmacintoshs list of 1 liners as nicked off the web !!!
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
11. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
12. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
20. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
11. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
12. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
20. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Posted 31 July 2009 at 6:35PM | 3 Comment(s)
A quick rant on the ability of mobility ......
It’s a strange old world.
It gets stranger by the minute. So we’re in a recession , recession means that we all tighten our belts, hope we keeps our jobs, and really watch the pennies.
Hmmmmm,
Driving back this morning I encountered a veritable convoy of Caravans, sleep in horse boxes, and the latest addition to our roads, the motor home.
Now it seems to me to qualify to drive any of these things you have to first be totally insensitive to speed, absolutely naïve when it comes to the wind flow when overtaking lorries, and have the ability to pack as much crap as possible into as small a space as possible. – oh the speed limits don’t count either ….
The other prerequisites are that you absolutely pack the kitchen sink, along with any un- washed washing up, the babies nappies and the dog. You fit all this garbage into an aluminium box that has sat on your driveway for the past 11 months blocking your neighbours view of the ‘odd goings on ‘ across the road, and proceed to drive south on any old motorway at the maximum speed your worn out clutch will allow.
Ah yes and if you’re towing a caravan or a trailer then the first rule is the number plates must not match. The second rule is to screw up the wiring so when you indicate left the towed vehicle indicates turn right, or a brake light comes on. The third rule which is especially important if you’re a trailer owner is to check and make sure that at least one tyre is under inflated, the other over, or for extra special freedom on the road, try tyres of different sizes.
Caravan owners must also have compulsory bike racks on the back of said vehicle, at least 2 aerials on the roof and must follow the other unwritten caravaners rule. If you have a nice new 4 x 4 with shiny bits then your caravan must be at least 15 years old with it’s handbrake permanently on. If you have a worn out salooney thing with dice dancing in it, then the van must be brand spanking new, fitted with a motor bike rack on the back and at least 3 aerials.
And now to sleep in horse boxes ……….
Look it’s simple …… a frigging horse has 4 legs ,it walks, trots, even gallops - if you bet on another horse ,but the main point is … it’s mobile. There are loads of fields adjacent to motorways you can drive it on, they even jump fences , so why bottle up this or these 4 legged rangerovers in a box. Even worse , far worse in fact ….. who would want to sleep in the proximity of horse poo ?
and here’s a thought to conjure with …… DO NOT HAVE AN ACCIDENT WITH ANY OF THESE VEHICLES ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM ANYTHING. Why? Because their shit tanks are all full of unmentionables, ready to cover the unsuspecting motorist in the most vile of substances.
Finally ,( I can go on you know ) here is something to conjure with. A double ensuite room with telly, a loo with drains and a heating system included in the price costs between £29.00 and £65.00 per night . You buy a caravan for £15,000 and it will last say 6 years. You have 2 weeks holiday a year = 14 days @ £50 = £700 for an hotel or £3,600 for 6 years. And you’re buying a caravan ?
It gets stranger by the minute. So we’re in a recession , recession means that we all tighten our belts, hope we keeps our jobs, and really watch the pennies.
Hmmmmm,
Driving back this morning I encountered a veritable convoy of Caravans, sleep in horse boxes, and the latest addition to our roads, the motor home.
Now it seems to me to qualify to drive any of these things you have to first be totally insensitive to speed, absolutely naïve when it comes to the wind flow when overtaking lorries, and have the ability to pack as much crap as possible into as small a space as possible. – oh the speed limits don’t count either ….
The other prerequisites are that you absolutely pack the kitchen sink, along with any un- washed washing up, the babies nappies and the dog. You fit all this garbage into an aluminium box that has sat on your driveway for the past 11 months blocking your neighbours view of the ‘odd goings on ‘ across the road, and proceed to drive south on any old motorway at the maximum speed your worn out clutch will allow.
Ah yes and if you’re towing a caravan or a trailer then the first rule is the number plates must not match. The second rule is to screw up the wiring so when you indicate left the towed vehicle indicates turn right, or a brake light comes on. The third rule which is especially important if you’re a trailer owner is to check and make sure that at least one tyre is under inflated, the other over, or for extra special freedom on the road, try tyres of different sizes.
Caravan owners must also have compulsory bike racks on the back of said vehicle, at least 2 aerials on the roof and must follow the other unwritten caravaners rule. If you have a nice new 4 x 4 with shiny bits then your caravan must be at least 15 years old with it’s handbrake permanently on. If you have a worn out salooney thing with dice dancing in it, then the van must be brand spanking new, fitted with a motor bike rack on the back and at least 3 aerials.
And now to sleep in horse boxes ……….
Look it’s simple …… a frigging horse has 4 legs ,it walks, trots, even gallops - if you bet on another horse ,but the main point is … it’s mobile. There are loads of fields adjacent to motorways you can drive it on, they even jump fences , so why bottle up this or these 4 legged rangerovers in a box. Even worse , far worse in fact ….. who would want to sleep in the proximity of horse poo ?
and here’s a thought to conjure with …… DO NOT HAVE AN ACCIDENT WITH ANY OF THESE VEHICLES ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM ANYTHING. Why? Because their shit tanks are all full of unmentionables, ready to cover the unsuspecting motorist in the most vile of substances.
Finally ,( I can go on you know ) here is something to conjure with. A double ensuite room with telly, a loo with drains and a heating system included in the price costs between £29.00 and £65.00 per night . You buy a caravan for £15,000 and it will last say 6 years. You have 2 weeks holiday a year = 14 days @ £50 = £700 for an hotel or £3,600 for 6 years. And you’re buying a caravan ?
Posted 13 July 2009 at 7:44PM | 4 Comment(s)